I have to start this post off by saying that God is funny.
The way he speaks is funny - personally to me, because for so long I've been so consumed by how he DOESN'T speak to me in a way I expect (based on those I know who he speaks to in a different way). All the while, he is constantly showing how mindful he is when he speaks, I just have to be open and remain open - giving him the space and time he so rightfully deserves.
[Ponder this with me: He's always speaking, but are we always listening?]
So, I recently tried to start a devotional in the Bible app and I read the first two days and changed my mind. I stopped the plan because in all honesty, the writing was just corny to me and it didn’t hit on anything, didn’t resonate on anything. Then I have a friend who included me on a group bible plan - ain’t that something?! Now I was super reluctant even to accept it because I already knew my track record with bible plans. Anyway, I decided to engage and read, and I pushed past that daunting feeling. However, I did get behind on the plan. It ended 3 days ago and I am just now getting to day 4! So today, I decided to engage again in an attempt to catch up on what I missed and to see if I still had any interest in finishing out the plan with some sort of intention. Y’all tell me why as soon as I opened up the plan God immediately spoke to my heart?!! From the TITLE of the plan and the subtitle of it … “Not what I Signed Up For - Find the strength, hope, and perspective to navigate a season you didn’t sign up for.” I sat here for a minute and then chuckled to myself because I am actually in a current and lingering season that I didn’t sign up for!!! In a season with a culmination of grief, transition, adjustment, and trying to leave comparison out. A current and lingering season of trying to bring myself into a new and established routine of prayer and private time with the Father. A current and lingering season of not getting caught up in comparing the last season I can remember when I had so much more time to sit and commune with the Father - because I desired to do it. A time when it was effortless and an established part of each day. Even now, I am still actively grieving that previous season. It comes to my mind and goes like the waves come and go at sea. I’m still trying to navigate becoming a mother of two, while still being a wife, while still recovering from pregnancy and going through postpartum, then it’s a whole bunch of other stuff in between all this other stuff. Not me thinking that I’d instantly have a grip on everything without any time of disruption or lag.
I’m in a place of trying my absolute hardest to establish some sort of routine and schedule for myself and I am continuously frustrated because I’m so inconsistently consistent. Everybody around me keeps telling me to give myself grace and know that God knows all about what I’m experiencing right now and he understands, that he’ll meet me where I am. I want to believe that so bad, yet I can’t bring myself to actually believe it and that’s a hard truth to admit. It’s hard for me to look in the mirror and realize it. I’m desperately seeking the perspective of this whole thing, I’m trying to find another angle to look at all of this from and I’m struggling. Day in and day out it’s a fight and I’m tired of fighting. My flesh wants nothing to do with what I so desperately am trying to do spiritually. I didn't sign up for this season y'all! But it doesn't mean that the season is unnecessary, because every season whether it comes and goes, or it lingers, is meant to teach you something.
You want to know something else that’s a hard truth to face??? - I gave up my seat.
So my pastor-sister-friend did a teaching one night on how as daughters of the Father we cannot give up our seat. Those of us on the call walked away with some questions to think on and prayer points on how to understand why and how we gave up our seat. And if in fact, we did give up our seat, how we would need to go about reclaiming that seat. Now I have been sitting on these questions and prayer points for almost two months ... I would revisit them and try my hardest to think and recall if and how I gave up my seat and what got me to this point, etc., but it was CRICKETS, lol. And y’all want to know why?! Because I was trying to muster up a response in my own strength, without truly taking it to God in prayer. I wanted an instant answer, (Note: I also know that I can be a bit of an instant gratification girlie, a microwave girlie, a quick fix girlie - but that's another post for another day!) and I wasn’t getting that so I just decided to leave it where it was, BUT GOD, the timing of it all is mind-blowing to me because I truly thought it was a done deal and here he comes giving me the revelation I have been wanting. Let’s talk about it!
So here’s what God revealed to me last night: I gave up my seat, really unknowingly, when I became a parent for the second time. I’ve been feeling like I need to “grow up” because how could I possibly be a daughter and a mother at the same time?! Inadequacy entered the chat and I didn’t even notice it until last night. Do I even deserve to be a daughter still when I have to be a mother too?! Cause now they’re both vying for the top spot, to be the main priority and I can’t handle them both so I drop the one that’s already been iffy at this point cause it’s easier. I didn’t realize the void that would be left from dropping it though, so then I thought maybe I could fill that void with being a mother to these two beautiful boys. But, one can’t replace the other!!! I’m pouring into these boys, giving everything, meanwhile I’m depleted spiritually. In the nautral I’m trying to replenish and nothing is working. Had I not given up my seat, my cup would never run empty. Had I not given up my seat, I wouldn’t be left feeling unworthy and unequipped.
A revelation, better late than never. I’m so grateful that God still speaks and I am still able to hear Him. I just played the song “Trust in God” by Aware Worship and they sang “I sought the Lord and he heard and he answered.” - this is resonating with me so much right now because that’s exactly what took place in these last 12 hours - hard truth and revelation. And now it’s time for me to repent and reclaim my seat as a daughter because it is absolutely necessary, especially in this current and lingering season I feel I’m in. Furthermore because if I want to get through this season I can’t do it by myself, I have let my Heavenly Father help me get through this. I need his peace, protection, and provision.
I don’t want to stay in this current place + season forever, but I want to be seated FOREVER.
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