I’ve been needing to have this moment of transparency and honesty with God and myself concerning this blog. When I finally answered God calling me back to writing y’all I just knew it was going to be seamless and steady flowing … and now I believe I bit off more than I can chew if you will. My reflection and writing process have been from a place of rescue - that is, God would rescue me from not knowing what to write and he would just swoop in, in the knick of time, and tell me what to write 🤯. How audacious is that?! I have literally been doing the bare minimum and thinking that God will tell me what to write without me doing my part in this.
[My life lately as it concerns my walk with God and desiring a deeper and more intimate relationship with him has also been a mindset of rescue if I may also add that in here, but that may be a post for another day.]
Anywho, when I relaunched this blog I already didn’t know if I’d start completely over with fresh content or if I would incorporate my previous writings from when I initially started ATOR back in 2020. So after much consideration, back and forth, and conversation with a couple of people, I decided to incorporate “Throwback Thursday” posts dedicated to my previous writings. These particular posts would not only serve as a reminder to myself of how my writing has changed and improved, but also as a reminder of where God has brought me from and through. Honestly, I have been struggling with what previous writings to share (based on if they speak to me from a previous season that feels familiar), at what point to share them, and if I should even share them anymore because they feel so off from what I THOUGHT this current blog would look and feel like to me. Another moment of transparency, I find myself constantly concerned with what people will think of me incorporating previous posts with new posts. It’s something about this people pleasing and fear of what people will think or say about it that if I’m not careful, I truly believe it’s going to choke the life out of what God asked me to do. This is also something I’m trying to rid myself of, the need to please people, worrying about other people’s opinions of me, of the blog, etc. Whew y’all, I’m a work in progress okay?!
I asked God at the beginning of this to help me figure out the cadence in which I would write and post and I just knew the answer was every 2-3 weeks, but now it feels like I’m struggling to meet that. I feel like now because I was so caught up in not disappointing God and disobeying him that I ended up doing just that to not only him, but myself and even those who read the blog because I can’t find my flow and the right consistency. You may interject here and say, “Well Tenia, have you asked God about what to write? Have you prayed about it? Have you prayed about the cadence of writing?” And in short, my answer will be yes, I have … but the longer version is I prayed about it and was impatient on the answer. This is another moment of transparency I’ll share, I struggle with praying and waiting for an answer from God. I struggle with knowing the signs and believing the confirmation that I may or may not get (may not get because I was impatient). So in turn, this delays my writing because I genuinely have moments where I don’t know what to write about. Sometimes these writings initially feel forced to me because I didn’t take adequate time to prepare and really seek God first on what it is he wants me to write about. Sometimes I think I initially got it wrong, I was thinking maybe in this season of writing God would end up being silent concerning what I write about and I’d have to figure it out on my own. Again, not that I’m expecting him to just drop the topic right on the page, but in essence, that’s what I’ve been doing and expecting of Him. Little to no work from me lol, that’s crazy right?! How can I expect to operate in this gift of writing that I believe I have if I can’t take the time to properly prepare and do my part in writing? But also in doing my part in writing, trusting that God will guide me in it too. I believe I can’t have one without the other because I really don’t even want to try and operate in my own strength doing this, I don’t even want to leave God out of this at all because then it just feels like I’m doing WHAT I WANT TO DO and not allowing God the space and time to speak to me and guide me.
I do appreciate the self-awareness that God has gifted me with and I believe these are moments where improvement takes place, where surrendering the blog completely to him takes place, and where I really have to learn to be patient and wait on him. I have to believe that he will help me to sustain this right? Furthermore, I have to believe that he called me to this blog because he truly knows what I’m capable of in this space and who it will help and encourage along the way.
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