Becoming a mother for the second time has taught me a crucial and sobering lesson:
I cannot do this without God.
First, let me begin this post by saying that I am truly grateful that God trusted me enough to carry life not once, but twice. Watching the relationship form between Tristan and Miles at such early ages has been super rewarding. I think that also stems from me being an only child for most of the early years of my life and then gaining siblings 9 years later. So seeing the love that Tristan has for his baby brother at the ages of 3 and 5 months is nothing like I could have ever imagined. Tristan is always telling Miles that he is happy he's here and that he is his best friend, that makes my heart smile and my eyes water lol. Then you couple that with seeing how Miles' face lights up when he hears his brother coming or sees him, it makes my heart smile and eyes water even more. It gives me more to look forward to as they grow up together and getting to witness the evolution of their relationship and protection of one another.
Now let's get into this lesson lol ... because I just knew since this was kid number two that I had this in the bag and then some! I already knew what to expect, I already knew how this would go, and I wasn’t new to this, I was true to this 🙃. Well, I was wrong and I just know God has been looking at me like “Girl you thought you had all the answers but in reality, you don’t. 😂” I mean I can laugh as I’m typing this because I’m getting so much revelation as I’m thinking through this. I legit have been trying to do motherhood all in my own strength and it’s no wonder I’ve been depleted, tired and overstimulated. I have talked about grief in previous posts and I can mention it again here because I feel like I’ve been grieving expectations and assumptions of how I thought motherhood and parenthood would go this second time around. That’s one of those things that people don’t tell you when you have multiple kids, that each kid is truly different. You can’t parent each kid the same and I feel like the blueprints have to be slightly altered for each one even at the toddler and infant stages.
I’m not ashamed nor afraid to admit that I’ve fallen flat on my face plenty of times in the 5 months that Miles has been here - I mean even before he got here too. But, what I thought would be similar in Miles as an infant vs. Tristan as an infant wasn't lining up completely the same way. In reality I was starting over with Miles and it took me some time to figure that out and really understand it, to be at peace with it. Shoot even trying to parent Tristan in this new level of motherhood, has been a challenge. Trying to navigate toddler feelings, emotions, mood swings, attachment, independence, how observant and sponge like they are, etc., and the discipline. This last one has been particularly trying for me and I imagine for my husband as well. I’ve become aware of how kids will regularly test ya gangsta and toil with the very fine line of it lol. And of course, they know what they’re doing because they are in fact trying to see how far they can go and what you’re going to do or not do about it. So then mom guilt has been showing up heavy in this area because I do discipline Tristan to a certain extent, but then I feel guilty after the fact because I often wonder what he thinks of me now or if I was being too mean to him (I regularly find myself asking my husband if I'm too mean or I question myself in my head about it). I mean if I ain’t have thick skin before, becoming a mother of boys has definitely laid it on thick with haste lol. Not to mention, Tristan is 100% boy and JUST ROUGH - I had to develop tough skin quick because the boy be all over the place all the time! At the end of the day I do want them to see me as a soft and loving mother, one who only wants the best for them, who will always be in their corner cheering them, but also who will correct them and re-direct when necessary ... and that I ain't one of they lil friends to play with! 😂😂😂
We know one thing about God though, he’s going to keep you in the same lesson until you get it. So in the midst of learning, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with gratitude because I believe that God has been very patient and merciful towards me. I say that because he already knew that I was going to try and do it in the natural without HIM at some point because I'm human (or with little of him as possible because I wanna be independent and in control lol). He never even told me I had to do it on my own in the first place, but I just assumed I could do again because this was kid number two. I have been stuck on this same lesson for quite some time now and I think I am starting to get it - better late than never though right? I really have to be so much more aware of when I try and parent apart from God, without the help of the Holy Spirit, because it shows in my moments of frustration, my lack of patience, my responses, and complete trust in the Father. That he couldn’t possibly continue to sustain me and carry me as if he hadn’t already been doing that very thing since I myself was a child, it’s really a beautiful and necessary lesson to learn though, because why would we want to do anything apart from God? Why would we think that we’re so good, or that we've "been there, done that", so we don’t need God hardly as much when we ACTUALLY need him all the time?! Pride is such a detriment to the believer and the word says in Proverbs 16:18 (CEB) that “Pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall.” And since I’ve been a mother already my pride is showing and I have been believing that I know what I’m doing cause I been doing it and now I have fallen flat on my face!!! I mean let's keep it a buck-fifty I've only been doing this for 3 years, 6 months (that's me adding Tristan and Miles' ages together) lol - like who do I think I am?! Why am I tossing my weight around so early y'all!!! I can laugh about this because I just cried about this before I started writing this. The Holy Spirit just revealed this to me and I have no rebuttal or excuse because it’s nothing but truth. The only resolve for this is to pray more, pray during the moments of frustration, pray during the moments of thin and nonexistent patience, pray in the moments where I feel like I can just figure it out on my own. I have to surrender this thing completely to God and leave it at his feet. 1 Peter 5:7 (TPT) says, “Pour out all your worries and stress upon him and leave them there, for he always tenderly cares for you.”
I know that God graced me for this and that he called me to the ministry of motherhood - but he didn’t call me to do it all alone in my own strength. We all gotta do better about thinking we can be hyper-independent from God because honestly, it’s too much to carry on our own and it only makes everything harder. Harder than God ever created it to be.
Hebrews 4:16 (NLT) says, “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
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