Holy Spirit has really been pressing some things deep into my heart here lately and I know the timing of these things has been on purpose without a shadow of a doubt in my mind. And there’s this particular thing that he has revealed to me about myself that if I’m being honest, I had already been thinking about … even having a conversation with my husband about it multiple times!
I also didn’t realize that the quietness I’m experiencing would draw this particular thing up and out so LOUD.
So here’s the thing, I genuinely care about people and their well-being. I try always to be mindful of people’s experiences (past, current, and even future). I would even like to go as far as describing myself as sort of a solutionist when people share their experiences with me, or if they’re looking for advice, opinions, etc., HOWEVER - it did not occur to me that when these conversations don’t happen in normal frequency or when I expect it to (because I’m so used to it happening frequently, lol) that I would be experiencing FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) from it. Not only because I do in fact genuinely care, BUT (this is where the Holy Spirit got me) because I am looking for these particular conversations to take place so that I can offer those solutions, advice, etc., just really feeling like I want to be needed by somebody, that somebody values what I have to say and my perspective. So when it gets quiet - like it has been the past 6 days, I start to experience that FOMO, and I get the urge to check on these people to see what I’ve missed. If I’m being honest, this doesn’t all feel like it’s coming from a good place either. I have had multiple conversations with my husband during and after the times that I was frequently asked for advice, listening to someone vent, checking in on people, etc., that I want to stop doing it because it made me feel like I was being almost nosey-like. Like I’m only checking in with a person to stay relevant or to be in the know of what someone has going on so they’d lean on me for advice or solutions, etc. I also think too, that because I’m so used to having these types of conversations that when they don’t occur I’m then left waiting for the “other shoe to drop”, I’m waiting for a phone call or a text message; even my husband will ask me “Well have you heard from so and so?” - I’m like nope, I haven’t and then I have this dialogue back and forth in my head on if I should reach out or not and if why I should or shouldn’t because what if it’s NOT genuine?!? See this is a whole thing with way too much back and forth, so the Holy Spirit had to gather me ALL. THE. WAY. UP about it!
How do you settle in the fact that God may be calling you away from something that you’ve been in and doing for so long? How do you not go back to that very thing? Or how do you continue in that space only from a pure and clean place??? Y’all it’s been so quiet these past 6 days, I mean even the surface-level conversation I had with someone low-key left me looking crazy lol, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was waiting for more and I got the exact opposite … NOTHING! What does that say about me as a person? What does that say about my character now? That I only expect to have conversations with people regarding what they have going on. What advice or solutions I can offer, when and how I can offload, and just be in the know of things?
Can I also share something with y’all? I also believe that God has put a stop to this at this time (it may be a permanent thing too) because there is a whiff of passing judgment that takes place. This is a hard thing that I also had to come to grips with because there was a time when all I did was judge people, not a righteous judgment that is talked about in the Bible, but a pure judgment of people’s actions, how they talked, how they moved, etc. If it wasn’t something that I thought they should or should not be doing, saying, etc., I judged the mess out of them and didn’t care. I thank God for delivering me from that place because y’all it was BAD, although currently I still experience even people asking me if they’re sharing something with me, “Don’t judge me”, or “I feel like you’re judging me Tenia”, and that high-key hurts my feelings because I’m like, “Well dang, am I giving off the vibe or body language or tone that I’m judging???”
[This sentence that you’re reading right now (LITERALLY) is a real-time insert of what the Holy Spirit just took me back to from a conversation I had with someone about two weeks ago. They said this to me and it could not be more fitting to this very thing I’m talking about: “A desire that you have that is strong, but God is saying to be mindful if it’s not in his will or plans for me. It could not be for you.” - y’all THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE, it’s not HAPPENSTANCE, it’s not IRONIC! God brought me back to that particular note from the conversation because it has everything to do with why I believe God has put a stop to these types of conversations that result in the whiff of passing judgment, the FOMO, always feeling like I gotta be the solutionist.]
Now let me jump back in here and say this too: I do believe that God has called me to encourage people, to have conversations that include thought-provoking questions and challenging people, etc., but it should not be such a strong desire that it overtakes me and has me left feeling helpless to others, discarded, or not needed.
I’m often reminded of Matthew 7:4 (NLT) which says:
“How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?”
Even Romans 2:3-4 (MSG) says:
“You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others that you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.”
SIDE NOTE: This translation did it for me y’all, lol. I feel like I’m in the boxing ring!!! 😂🥊
Guys, I believe that God is doing just that, leading me into a radical life change during this particular time. It’s not the best feeling though, it’s very uncomfortable because I now have to come to grips with how I’ve been operating. I’d even go so far as to say this same thing shows up in my marriage as well, there are moments where I find myself pointing the finger at my husband about something knowing good and well it’s some things (yes, it’s plural and some of that stuff is the same stuff I’m looking at him sideways about) that I need to be working on myself.
God is indeed kind, but kind because he’s shown me this about myself every time I’ve done it, even thought about doing it. So now, in this time of quietness … that’s been really loud … he has taken me firmly by the hand and is leading me in a radical life-change concerning this. I would like to continue to be that person that people can come to and talk with, etc., but I don’t ever want to walk away with any inkling of judgment in my heart. I don’t ever want to be in a place where if I’m not hearing from people I continue to feel FOMO. I mean yes, I can give you my opinions, advice, etc., BUT, it only comes from a place of love without the wrong kind of judgment. Truthfully judgement is the Lord’s, not mine. The only thing I can do is point you back to Jesus, love you like Jesus, and ask the Holy Spirit to help me say the right thing, and even in saying that … it will point you back to Jesus.
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