For the past week and a half, I have been in a space of feeling completely stuck, completely frozen on what I need to be doing as far as my walk with Christ. I have not made any real intentional time for prayer and devotion outside of church on Sunday, 6am prayer on Tuesday, bible study on Thursday, and the occasional group bible plans on the Bible App. It has been on me heavily because I know deep down where I desire to be vs. where I am actually. I just can’t bring myself to actually take the necessary steps to a more disciplined prayer and devotion lifestyle like I truly desire deep down in my heart.
This morning though, I believe I had a breakthrough while I was talking to God about it all. He helped me to realize that this whole time, really even before this last week and a half that I was waiting on him to make the first move. Now, of course, there are definitely instances where we are in fact in a season of waiting. Waiting on God to move on our behalf or for something to take place. However, in this place that I’m currently in, I truly believe that I’m the only one who can remove me from being stuck as far as the first steps go. The Holy Spirit told me that God is in fact waiting on me to take the first step, then he’d come behind me and back me up and we’d go from there. Y’all I was legit laughing during this conversation with God and it was like this “Aha!” moment because the whole time I’m looking at God, waiting on God to bust the first move and he’s looking at me like “No ma’am, you go first this time, let me see what you’re made of Tenia.” This whole time my prayers have been centered around begging and pleading with God to wake me up in the mornings, giving me the urge to wake up in the mornings to spend time with him, etc., and it has been CRICKETS!!!
So now I realize it’s because I need to get back to working out spiritually. It’s funny because there have been conversations that I’ve had with people and I’ve EASILY encouraged them that making room for God and wanting a better prayer and devotion life takes discipline. Discipline never feels good at first and it takes nothing but pure intentionality at the start, literally having to make yourself get up and spend that time. Meanwhile, I’m over here not taking my own advice 😂. It’s just like working out (and I know we’ve all heard this analogy before, but it’s very true and makes perfect sense). When you first start working out, it doesn’t feel the best, you have to make yourself get to the gym daily, and make yourself eat right … it takes time and you have to keep pushing regardless and set aside your feelings about it. Developing our spiritual muscle is the same way, it takes time and it’s not the easiest at first. We have to set the pace and follow it continuously and persistently … then before you know it we love doing it and we can’t get enough of it!
It’s probably going to take me intentionally setting aside time, if that means setting an alarm at a particular time early in the morning before my family gets up then that is what it will take. If it means me staying up a little later after everyone goes to bed, that is what it will take. I honestly don’t have any excuses, I just know I’m standing in my own way, and like I said I realize that I’ve been waiting on God to just drop the desire on me full force. God does not work like that, he is not going to force us to do anything, he’s patient and gracious. And I thank God for being patient and gracious with me during this time because I’ve been so hard on myself about this and now I understand why. Honestly, these last few months God has been so patient and gracious with me, he’s loved me in spite of me and the frustrations I’ve experienced. That alone in itself should make me want to spend more time with him, it has though and I know what needs to happen next.
Our relationship with our Father is in fact a two-way street. We can’t expect God to do everything and we just sit back, watch and wait. How audacious of us is that?! We have to give to God just as much as he gives to us, especially if we want to go deeper in our walk with Him.
I hope this encourages you just as it has encouraged me … and I need to go buy a new notebook because I filled up the last one 😂.
Y’all be blessed and keep pressing toward Jesus 🙌🏽
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